Monday
It’s spring! Morning temps will hover around twenty-four degrees Fahrenheit with a windchill of negative ten. Expect two bursts of monsoon-like rain, the first when you’re walking to the subway and the second when you’re coming home. Around 2 P.M., it should be nice, though—so long as you stick to the sunny side of the street. If you step into the shade, you’ll experience a cold so bone-chilling that you’ll wonder if a ghost is touching your neck. On the plus side, you’ll get to wear every jacket you own today! Sort of fun, right?
Tuesday
So, the groundhog told us that it would be warm by now—and it will be! Every other minute. Today, we’ll experience the famous New York Zigzag, where the temperature will bounce back and forth between ninety degrees and thirty degrees. And, whenever it’s thirty degrees, it’ll snow. But not the fluffy, white stuff. The cold, dirty, wet stuff that immediately forms a deep, slushy crevasse on every corner. Maybe wear a parka, but with only a T-shirt underneath? I’m sorry.
Wednesday
You know what? Today’s weather is actually pretty cool! By that, I mean that, in the morning, everyone’s going to feel hot from the stomach up, cold from the legs down, and have wet backs from the stop-and-start horizontal rain. Early-evening conditions are best summed up by the following poem:
Sometimes I try to remember why I even got into the weather game. I guess I was just lured by the prestige.
Thursday
Ugh, let’s just get this over with. Tornado warning in the morning. Hurricane winds in the afternoon. Some sun from, like, 1:15 to 1:18 P.M. Then rain for the following fifteen hours. But remember that neat solar eclipse from 2017? Well, there won’t be a solar eclipse today, but there will be some sort of blinding sun event. And only one in three observers will suffer permanent blindness. Time for some more good news: Remember that lightweight jacket you bought two years ago that your mom said was totally impractical because it only keeps you comfortable when it’s sixty-eight degrees, with no sun and a slight wind from the north? Set your alarm because, at 2 A.M., the rains will let up and you will have exactly thirteen minutes to wear this jacket! Yippee! (Yes, I am being sarcastic.)
Friday
We did it, Joe! Today’s weather is finally perfect. Sunny, warm, not a cloud in the sky. Seriously, you know that weather that’s just so comfortable and pleasant that you actually feel like you’re indoors? That’s today! It could literally not be more beautiful out. Except, O.K., yes, you’re going to be trapped inside at work all day, but let’s pray this good weather holds through the weekend!
Saturday
Now seems like a good time to teach you about a “supercell,” which is a particularly severe thunderstorm that’s characterized by a persistently rotating updraft. If you’re looking for a visual, think back to that scene in “Independence Day” when the spaceships emerge from ominous, dark clouds, except without the aliens and without the world’s nations putting their differences aside and uniting to fight a common foe. Maybe make it fun by wearing an umbrella hat? I’m trying!
Sunday
When I attended the Dover Academy for Weather Excellence, off Exit 14 on the New Jersey Turnpike, I thought my life would be about bringing people weather-related joy. Telling them that it would be nice for their wedding! That a fun blizzard would mean that school was cancelled! All I can say about today’s weather is: Have you ever seen a rat sweat? Expect temperatures to soar above a hundred and five degrees with relative humidity of a hundred and twenty per cent. You’ll finally learn why New York is the city that never sleeps, and it’s because your prewar building is still blasting steam heat in this inferno. At least it gets simple from here on out since this weather will persist for the next six months. Unfortunately, air conditioners are sold out for the season. Why did they make me say that last part? I have nothing to do with air-conditioner sales! You know what? I’m retiring and finally pursuing a career that my fellow New Yorkers will love me for. I’m becoming an investment banker at Goldman Sachs.
