It is the policy of the United States to end the use of Dijon mustard. Mustard is yellow and made in America and not in France. France is a stupid place. The Justice Department and components will identify and eliminate any mustard that isn’t yellow French’s Mustard, although henceforth the name “French’s” will be eliminated in favor of the word “Normal.” This policy enforces not only the use of yellow mustard but also the elimination of such condiments as chutney and piccalilli. The words “chutney” and “piccalilli” are, as of this writing, illegal in the United States, because no one knows what they are.
Want to know another new policy? Well, it is now the policy of the United States that a certain Yale University singing group will end the use of the name “Whiffenpoof.” The word “Whiffenpoof” will be stricken from use, and the Justice Department will determine a new name (possibilities include Men of Steel, Seal Team Twelve, or Erection Friends). The group will no longer sing songs about rainbows. They will sing about camping or deer hunting or dressing a deer and hanging a deer’s head on a wall in a private men’s club. Songs about rainbows are no longer consistent with the policy of the United States. You think we’re kidding? Go sing a song about a rainbow and find out.
Guess what else it is now the policy of the United States to ban? Anything Joseph Campbell says. Granted, he’s dead, but there are a lot of YouTube videos of him where he is saying things like “The dream is a private myth, and the myth is a public dream.” No one can say that or write that. That’s confusing and scary. What you can say is something to the effect of “Oh, I slept well, thank you, and I had a weird dream where I was fishing on a lake but I was only an inch tall and I was in my underpants.”
The Justice Department once saw a commercial for the Ginsu knife that began like this: “In Japan, the hand can be used like a knife.” It is now the policy of the United States to begin all television commercials with the sentence “In America, the hand can be used like a knife.” It does not matter what the product is. Just figure it out.
A clarification on the mustard thing: Several people have suggested that the Justice Department was insinuating that French mustard is “gay.” At no time did the Justice Department use that word, nor would we use that word. Not all French things are gay. And while we did change the name of French’s Mustard to Normal Mustard, the suggestion that “Normal” refers to heterosexual conduct vis-à-vis mustard is ungrounded and not legally provable. The Justice Department supports all people, including white heterosexual men in golf clothing.
Hi. It’s the Justice Department again. We literally just got back from a road trip to the National Air and Space Museum in Chantilly, Virginia, which is awesome, by the way. But that trip was ruined on the way back when we stopped at a roadside diner and spilled hot coffee on our pants and tried to clean it up, only to find that the diner used flimsy napkins made of recycled fibres. So. It is now the policy of the United States of America to end the use of flimsy napkins at, like, gas stations and coffee shops. The Justice Department will now demand that napkins be made of thick paper. Or, like, provide an entire fucking roll of Bounty, free to anyone, in the event of a spill. Use as many sheets as you want. We don’t care. But we swear to God, if you use that thin shit-bag paper we will fucking lose it. ♦
